Back in February, right after school started, my mind drifted in math class and I started to fantasize about being interviewed by James Lipton of "Inside the Actor's Studio" fame. This fantasy is on par with winning the Academy Award for Best Actress in the shower (the shampoo bottle stands in for my Oscar) and only slightly below my fantasy about taking an Australian beach resort vacation with Mike Rowe (dirty or clean, eh, Cara?).
When I posted this in the Notes section of Facebook, my Cara was so impressed with my comedic writing style, she mentioned starting a blog. Ta-da! Peanut Butter and Jelly was born.
So, here's the note that tied Cara to me bloggily until she runs away screaming (and she can run pretty fast):
The Inside the Actors Studio Questionnaire
I mentioned I daydreamed about being interviewed by James Lipton during math last night and realized the most wonderfully self-indulgent thing I could do is translate my daydream into a Facebook note. Here goes:
James Lipton: "We begin our classroom with the questionnaire that was first used by Marcel Proust and then brilliantly by Bernard Pivot for 26 years. And now, Amy will suffer."
Amy (blushing and giggling self-consciously): "Phew." (shakes herself mockingly like a dog coming out of the pool and pretends to crack her neck.) "Okay, here goes."
James Lipton: "Are your ready now?"
Amy: "Lay it on me, Daddy." (students in audience laugh)
James Lipton: "What is your favorite word?"
Amy: "It's a tie between 'dude' and 'Mama.' 'Dude' is a great word. It can be mean anything. Plus, if you say it with a flat, Midwestern accent, it's even funnier than if you say it in your normal voice."
James Lipton: "What is your least favorite word?"
Amy: "I hate, hate, hate the word 'redneck.' It's gone from a noun to an adjective to an excuse. 'Oh, don't mind him. He's a redneck.' I do use it though."
James Lipton: "What turns you on?"
Amy: "Orlando Bloom . . . is he here?" (Amy cranes her neck around like a meerkat and the audience laughs)
James Lipton: "What turns you off?"
Amy: "People in anguish."
James Lipton: "What sound or noise do you love?"
Amy: "Oh, god. I dread this question because my answer is so trite, but it's my daughter's laugh. I mean, when she's laughing really hardcore, that's the best sound ever."
James Lipton: "What sound or noise do you hate?"
Amy: "People in anguish."
James Lipton: "What is your favorite curse word?"
Amy: "C*cks*cker!" (Amy claps her hands like a little kid as James Lipton looks on with a fatherly and bemused look on his face) "I know most people say 'f*ck,' but 'c*cks*cker' is such an under-used gem of profanity, how can it not be your favourite?"
James Lipton: "What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?"
Amy: "I'd like to be a novelist. Or Queen of England. All the prestige, no real responsibility, and all the hats you could want."
James Lipton: "What profession would you not like to do?"
Amy: "I wouldn't want to be an old-fashioned delivery person: like a milkman or iceman in turn of the century New York City. I mean, talk about thankless. Out in the heat and the cold and if something's wrong with the milk or the ice melts, who gets blamed? That c*cks*cker, the delivery guy."
James Lipton: "If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?" Amy: "Come on in. Your Aunt Margie is making margaritas over there with Queen Elizabeth the First."