1) International Harvester tractors don't go over 5 miles an hour, but that doesn't stop farmers from driving them down the main roads, blocking up traffic for miles.
2) Cars that slide off the road in inclement winter weather stay parked in roadside ditches until spring comes.
3) Barns are more important than houses, sporting concrete floors, heating, air conditioning, and electricity while the family of 7 live in a trailer the size of my bathroom.
4) Farm animals smell really, really bad. God help you if you're downwind on a hot day.
5) People don't have street addresses. They refer to their homes' locations by their name: "I live up at Brown's Farm. I'm Farmer Brown." If you ask for their street address, their eyes spin around like they're having a grand mal seizure.
6) Teeth? Yeah, those are optional.
7) Being a farmer doesn't mean you eat right. Most farmer's kids live on a diet of Mountain Dew, Chocodiles, and Cheese Doodles. I've seen their grocery carts.
8) Nascar is God. And Dale JR. is the second coming.
9) Bathing, like teeth, is optional.
10) If you're watching a movie and there's a beautiful, Victorian-style farmhouse with a wrap-around porch and the barn is a stroll through a green meadow while fluffy white sheep and glossy black and white cows frolic, it's a set.
Here's the perfect example of a "set" farm:
Here's the perfect example of a "real" farm:
Can you tell the difference? You can? Excellent! You're one step closer to living in the country.
