Life is Sticky. Life is Sweet.

Life is Sticky. Life is Sweet.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Why a "Second Wife" Would be a Good Thing

In this blog post, I'll be referring to Erick as Husband since this post is hypothetical, doesn't refer to my life in anyway, and will never happen.
*********************************************************************** and Wikipedia (my favourite website and also my nickname) both define "plural marriage" as "polygamy" and "polygamy" is defined as "the condition or practice of having more than one spouse at one time." In fact, in you look up "plural marriage" on Wikipedia, the site immediately directs you to an article about polygamy and Mormonism.
I'm not 100% sure why plural marriage and Mormonism is still so linked. More and more non-Mormon Christians are embracing plural marriage. Now, when I say "plural marriage," I don't mean those weird women in prairie dresses and bouffant hairdos from the compound raid a few years ago. I'm also not talking about creepy 50 year old men who marry 13 year old girls. I'm not talking about those men who marry one woman in one state and then another woman in another state who don't know about each other until the man dies and the two wives come together for the will-reading and mad-capped madness and murder ensues (of course, I could just be watching too many episodes of Law & Order). I'm talking about consenting adults who enter into a marriage with more than one spouse.
Mostly, it's men who take more than one wife. You hardly ever hear of a woman who knowingly wants--and takes--more than *shudder* one husband. I watch Big Love. I know the social stigma that goes along with being a plural wife: living in secret, children of second--or third--wives who don't get included in Christmas card pictures, insurance fraud, blah, blah, blah. What I want to talk about is the good stuff that plural marriage can produce.
Imagine you're exhausted after taking care of your kid(s) all day. The house never seemed to get straightened up. There was an epic battle over "Who took my sippy cup?" (this battle is also possible in a house with one child). A PB&J sandwich somehow ended up being jammed into the DVD player. Potty training is more of a tunnel dream than a reality. Now you have to make dinner and listen to your husband complain about his day in the office (when--at this point in your day--you'd kill to be stuck in a cubicle for 8 hours). Then you wash dishes (or load the dishwasher, if you're lucky), bathe the kid(s), and get them settled into bed after several abortive attempts at bedtime. SIGH! It's finally quiet. Time to catch up on your reading/Facebooking/blogging/"Glee"-watching, right? Nope, your hubby's giving you that look. You know the look. It's the one he gave you the night you conceived your little darling(s). You know what would be a lifesaver, right now? A SECOND WIFE.
Yeah, I said it.
I would hand over sex duties to a second wife in a second. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I do. It might take some coaxing some nights, but I do enjoy it once I've involved and engaged. But sometimes I think that having another woman around to pick up the slack would be great. Now, when I say "another woman," I'm not talking about having Alice from The Brady Bunch around to make lunches. I'm talking about a second wife to help with housework, bullshit with, and have sex with Husband when I'm just not feeling "The Look" nights.

"Wouldn't you get jealous of another woman having sex with your husband?!"
Nope. I'm not the jealous type. And if I agree to a plural marriage, I understand that Second Wife will be having sex with Husband. In that case, he's her Husband too, which means I can't be jealous of them doin' it.
"Wouldn't you hate having another woman's kids around?!"
How would it be any different from having step kids? Erick has a daughter from his high school relationship. She's 16 and reminds me a lot of me at 16--moody, artistic, mouthy, and never, ever, ever wrong. Ever. Besides, maybe Second Wife would be able to have that ever-elusive Andrew Liam Stott.
"What if you got divorced?!"
Then I'm divorced. And Second Wife can marry Husband and be First Wife.
Look, I'm not making light of polygamy when it's that dark and scary plural marriage with underage girls being Eighteenth Wife and pregnant by the time she's 14; or when older men force out the younger men so all the marriage-aged girls can be snatched up by old guys; or when families with multiple spouses defraud the government with insurance fraud, food stamps, tax breaks, and etc. I'm talking about having another wife around to pick up the slack when you just can't handle it anymore. Now, who wouldn't want that break every once and a while?

PS Message me if you're interested in the position of Second Stott Wife. Must be able to clean, cook, be willing to have a baby or two, love Philadelphia sports teams, and live in a tiny apartment in Hillbilly Hell, PA.


  1. So.... You want a wife for yourself then. Right? And I'm also assuming Erick won't be present for the "interview".

    If you find a wife, can I borrow her?

  2. You have officially lost your mind. You'd better get back to Jersey soon!!!

  3. WAIT..WAIT...WAIT... IF there was EVER going to be a 2nd wife you better damn sure believe Erick is gonna be there!!!!! NOW...Why would a man who has done this once got divorced and found his freedom again, EVER wanna do this AGAIN!!!! OR have 2 wives at the sametime..Aim makes some valid points from a wifes oint of view.Lets say hubby stays out too late one night,NOW he has 2 wives bitching at him.And don't even get me started on Valentine's Day,X-mas,birthdays and 2 anniversaries.NO THANKS!!!!

  4. Wait! I've needed a wife for years- I was more than willing to work 10 hours a day and come home to a cooked meal, clean house and kids and settle in on the sofa or do some artistic thing-
    I think it's too late now and I've missed my chance.
    But. gee, wouldn't it be nice?

  5. A few months ago, several female coworkers and I had a similar discussion at lunch. I don't judge. I can see why it might work, if done the right way. Love some of the ideas of a big family with lots of kids and with extra hands to cook, clean and help with said kids. In theory, the sex-sharing sounds do-able; but in reality, I'm not so sure. I might let Bill Paxton try and convince me though.


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